doesnt want to loose her place in line….if there is a line. There probably is a line. There’s never NOT a line. ugh. im feeling like its gonna get worse before it gets better and im not too sure if i can handle it. =/ …but you gotta do what you gotta do, i guess. hope im not standing in line for nothing.
So this is my fb status. of course its a metaphor for the random, yet constant suckiness that is my life. i hate how you give something your all and it fails to be good enough. and i hate how you work so hard to perfect what was already good in your eyes without prevail.
i hate being in love. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i never seem to get the love my grandparents have….you know the i-would-die-for-you type stuff or i-dont-mind-looking-at-you-w/o-makeup-early-in-the-morning kinda love or the you-burned-my-eggs-for-the-third-time-this-week-but-i-wont-say-anything kind of love. i always end up with the “I love you but im not in love with you” kinda love OR the all-time favorite “its not you its me” kinda love which im not sure is love at all. i understand that my grandparents have gone through a lot of crap together to get where they are…45 years of marriage and 4 kids is enough to guarantee eternal love. But at the same time i feel as if i can never get to the place to even BEGIN the trek towards ONE year (cuz im definitely not looking to have a kid anytime soon if at all).
My so-called loves end at 6 months. A 6 month mark where i think everything is going great but he has an issue with something….that of course, is not my fault but his. But if we’re in a relationship TOGETHER isnt the burden just as much yours as it is mine? Shouldnt your pain be my pain, your successes are my successes, your failure mine to share? This is how i was taught to love. 50% all the way no questions asked. You need $100 on a bill and only have $50, i got the other half. You havent eaten all day and all we have money for is ONE big mac…you know im splitting it down the middle. If you carry a load i expect you to expect me to carry it half way…because this is what i’ve watched my grandparents do all my life. This is the only LOVE i know.
So when i’m told that the problem only requires a one-person solution im thrown for a loop. I do understand that a man just has to do some things on his own sometimes (we girl have our private moments too) and i try soooo hard to respect that but its hard to tell when im giving the right kind support. And you can talk about it all day with your significant somebody but there always seems to be some disconnect after the conversation ends.
And no matter how many conversations are had, I always get a feeling of dread that im going to be left alone again (and history has only confirmed my fears). But i cant shake you. Believe me, i’ve tried. …still trying. it’s NOT working. Because i know there’s always someone else around interested. there’s always someone waiting in line right behind me. …more than one somebody. …A LOT of somebodies. ugh.
I cant expect anyone to know what’s going to happen later in line or in life but i do wish i knew where i stand in line. Am i still number 1? Is someone else gaining on me? You may not think about it but i do. I think about it all the time. Because i dont want to wake up and be thrown to the side like last time…and the time before that…and the time before that. If i’m being replaced…i just wanna know, you know? Is that too much to ask?
ugh. man…i hate being in love.
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