crawling through the window...

So im embarking on this new adventure in life.
I'm not too sure what to make of it but I am excited....its the nervous excitment tho. I guess I'm anxious to prove myself to be as strong as I believe I am. Not to say I'm invincible, but I do have pretty big expectations of myself. Now its time for me to put my money where my mouth is. Wish me luck!

CGK: [[BARBiiE]]

oh yeah.....

Had to revisit this. I loved the Muppets. especially Beaker (and animal and Dr. Teeth)....AND i like bananas!!! so yeah....just had a kid moment. lol

ghost
CGK: [[BARBiiE]]

Marvin Gaye on the soundtrack...

"You get more respect for going to jail than you do for going to college." - Kamikaze

You get more respect for going to the clubs Thursday-Saturday than you do for going to church every Sunday.

You get more respect for having sex with any and everyone than you do for remaining a virgin past the age of 15 (if not 12...).

You get more respect for dragging another person through the mud than you do for lifting them up.

You get more respect for perpetuating racial/social/cultural stereotypes than you do for breaking out of the "norm".

You get more respect for being a clone than you do for being an individual.


It is backwards decade and no one told me?! For once I would like to have a conversation with an adult of the Black community that does not begin with "How many kids do you have?". Or not experience the uncomfortable silence provoked by my irritated glance when I say I have none and dont plan to have any until I'm married. For once I want to be respected for doing good things instead of being questioned about my good acts out of astonishment. If you expect something good...better yet, demand something great of your children, then why do you set such low standards? Why be shocked that I graduated from high school with honors and attend a highly accredited private college? Why be shocked that I dont smoke? Why be shocked that I plan to attend a prestigious medical college and become a doctor? Why be shocked that I dont drink although I am of legal age? Why be shocked that I want to work for profit and for the community? Why be shocked that I dont have a record or some discrepancy with every person I come across?

Now dont get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes...mistakes that have gotten me some sort of "respect" (mistakes that have lead to some interesting posts and poems) but now that I'm older (and wiser...i think) I see that a lot of my frustration growing up could have been eliminated. Correction: I KNOW many of my frustrations could have been eliminated. But as I always say, my mistakes are what make me who i am, they have made me tougher, and ultimately have brought me to where I am today and I will wear my scars proudly.

However, I dont want others to make my mistakes. I dont want my 8-year old cousin to make my mistakes. I dont want my little brother to make my mistakes. ...hell, i dont want my bestfriend who is only a few months younger than me to make my mistakes. And with that being said, i feel like we're teaching our youth to make unnecessary mistakes. Matter fact, we're teaching our youth that they will be praised for making unnecessary mistakes.

When did going to jail become a right of passage?

When did going to jail become cool?

When did going to jail become FUN?

...I mean, I know people that have gone to jail. I've dated guys that have been to jail. And all across the board I've been told jail is some place you dont want to visit for a few nights, much less stay for a lengthy sentence. So why is it that many choose to BRAG about how many times they've been arrested and in the judicial system? Its just something I cant comprehend. And until I can start to understand I cant offer a solution and that really bothers me.


ARG.
So...jail = not fun
but its looking like incarceration
is what's hot these days
WHAT'S GOING ON?!

ghost
CGK: [[BARBiie]]

Perfecting Imperfections

I don't like making mistakes
so i prefer to write in pencil
instead of pen because it can be erased.
But the reminants of words not spoken
are always left on the page.
So i rip them out
one by one
until i feel my conscious has been cleared
or the thoughts have been pushed
so far back i can pretend they are forgotten.
Until I'm forced to remember
by a slap from reality that jostles
the stones holding my transgressions in place.
Now free to roam
they haunt me.
Lingering above my head tugging my heart
to the pavement to be
trampled on by passersby.
With every step a part of me dies
a death brought on by the hands of my past
leaving a worn shell mangled in its path.
Ripped and torn
I lie in pain
cursing the day i ever decided to venture out into the world.
I should have known better
than to think I could forget it all
especially since these faults make me who i am
and i'm quite a fan of me
...probably a bit more than i should be
but if he gets a big ego, why not me?
I need something to fight this
over-whelming self-doubt
self-pity enhanced sense of self or whatever you choose to call it.
so as the battle between
vanity and apprehension ensues, i sit
watching, consuming, accepting
it all
the good and bad as well as the right and wrong
until there's nothing left.
Except a completely imperfect me.

yeah...yeah.....

So...
I'm gonna work on writing something atleast every other day...once a week in the least. It Sunday so this makes the beginning of the week! hm....lets see how long i keep this up. But since i've head a headache since yesterday i may need something to keep me from exploding and attacking an innocent bystander.

arg.
i need to de-stress
maybe i'll go back to sleep
hmmmmm

ghost
CGK: [[BARBiiE]]

where dreams come true?

i'm on vacation.
in orlando.
going to one of the disney parks tomorrow.
i havent been in 11 years.
animal kingdom is my favorite...yeah im a big kid.


im dreading the beginning of the new semester. comprehensive exams are going to make me curl into a ball and cry. hopefully the bf will be around to comfort me. if not, he sucks in advance. LOL!!!


teehehe
i suppose this vaction is going to be fun
who knows what tomorrow will bring
hopefully a few good photo opts
<3 snoopy
CGK: [[BARBiiE]]

pulled over at a "rest stop"

It's been so long I forgot about this blog.

And once I realized it still existed, I was considering deleting it. You know...get that nice, fresh start that everyone always wants when they feel they've messed up? Yeah. But then again, the so-called mistakes we've made in life shape who we are as people and are as important, if not more important than the good things we do in life. So they will stay here. Just as random and odd as I am...a nice reflection, I suppose.

So....what's going on with me? Nothing.

Am i excited about beginning my senior year in college? No.

Do i have ANY IDEA what i'm doing after i graduate? No.

Am i taking steps to shape my future in the work force? No.

Needless to say, i feel like a hopeless bum. I've been working so hard to get to a place in life and now that i'm right on the cusp of that destination i'm a little freaked out. Dont get me wrong, im still interested in completing the original plan, but now the question is whether or not the original path best suits me.

So i may take a year off after college.

I may not.

I'm not too sure of anything.

Well....i do know that i wanna go to sleep. I suppose i'll work to figure out everything else after i wake up.



So...........
my future is so bright
i cant see where i'm friggin goin.
...and i'm thinkin that's not good
AT ALL.
Oh, well.
NAP TIME!!! :)

ghost.
CGK: [[BARBiiE]]