Significant Nobody

Today is one of those days where I'm just feeling BLAH. Nothing it wrong physically or mentally, I hope; however, I feel like I'm missing SOMETHING. I suppose being back into the grind that accompanies me being in school has got me a little "shocked" because I'm a good distance away from close friends. But at the same time I don't think its even them that I'm craving for...

I'm having one of my really girly baby moments when I "desire" a significant somebody in my life. Not just some guy I see on the weekends or hang out with, but a truly special person, atleast love-wise. I think this was all brought on by me listening to Alicia Keys today...she is really good at expressing some "sad moments" and one of those moments just happened to be about wanting a teenage love affiar, or remembering it, or something to that effect. And i was like OHMIGAWD she is so right!

Because if you've experienced it, that teenage love is better than anything you've ever experienced in life. I would say its better than having a child, but since I have yet to experience that, i'll hold off a few years.

So she got me thinking about my ex's and whatnot. But specifically my first boyfriend and first love and first everything...And even tho it is close to 5 years after the fact, I'm still sitting here getting slight nostalgic. And it's irking me because no matter how much I wish I know I will never get to experience that again.

But anyway, I wrote a poem talking about that last year...here it goes:

I used to love him.
Maybe a little part of me
still does. The harder I scrub,
the more difficult it becomes to wash him away from my memory.
Maybe I’ll use bleach next time.
Separation from a love
is hard to deal with, especially
when you feel there is no other
you can relate to.
Talking to friends is good an all;
I know they’ll have my back
if I slip and fall
along the way,
but I don’t want a kiss from my best friend
I want one from that man, or the
one before him, or the one before him, depending
on my mood.
Watching lovers love in public:
kiss, hug, and all that stuff
has got me feeling sick. Love-sick.
Like Ne-Yo “I’m so sick of love songs”
but the radio won’t stop playing.
It keeps getting louder,
blasting in my ears
making my heart cower
in a corner
between pity and defeat,
(being looked down on by loneliness) while the happy
Lovers stroll in front of me.
So, what am I
supposed to do
when al I can think of is you?
Well,…him, or the other him, or the
other, other him.
He still has
a hold on me that
I can’t shake
which is partially due to me be being
too naive
because I believed
breaking up signified the end.
But here I am reminiscing
“baby when I used to love you”
holding on to the last
shred of us as the wind of time
pulls it away
and pushes it far behind
me. And I feel better;
the sun’s a little brighter and the
clouds a little puffier
until I see the
lovers again
loving in public
holding hands, making plans
and I’m back feeling sick,
sitting with pity, defeat
and “Mr. Lonely”
until the next Mr. Right Now
comes along and rescues me.


...and I'm still waiting, probably will be waiting for a while...man this sucks.

Smooches...