Marvin Gaye on the soundtrack...

"You get more respect for going to jail than you do for going to college." - Kamikaze

You get more respect for going to the clubs Thursday-Saturday than you do for going to church every Sunday.

You get more respect for having sex with any and everyone than you do for remaining a virgin past the age of 15 (if not 12...).

You get more respect for dragging another person through the mud than you do for lifting them up.

You get more respect for perpetuating racial/social/cultural stereotypes than you do for breaking out of the "norm".

You get more respect for being a clone than you do for being an individual.


It is backwards decade and no one told me?! For once I would like to have a conversation with an adult of the Black community that does not begin with "How many kids do you have?". Or not experience the uncomfortable silence provoked by my irritated glance when I say I have none and dont plan to have any until I'm married. For once I want to be respected for doing good things instead of being questioned about my good acts out of astonishment. If you expect something good...better yet, demand something great of your children, then why do you set such low standards? Why be shocked that I graduated from high school with honors and attend a highly accredited private college? Why be shocked that I dont smoke? Why be shocked that I plan to attend a prestigious medical college and become a doctor? Why be shocked that I dont drink although I am of legal age? Why be shocked that I want to work for profit and for the community? Why be shocked that I dont have a record or some discrepancy with every person I come across?

Now dont get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes...mistakes that have gotten me some sort of "respect" (mistakes that have lead to some interesting posts and poems) but now that I'm older (and wiser...i think) I see that a lot of my frustration growing up could have been eliminated. Correction: I KNOW many of my frustrations could have been eliminated. But as I always say, my mistakes are what make me who i am, they have made me tougher, and ultimately have brought me to where I am today and I will wear my scars proudly.

However, I dont want others to make my mistakes. I dont want my 8-year old cousin to make my mistakes. I dont want my little brother to make my mistakes. ...hell, i dont want my bestfriend who is only a few months younger than me to make my mistakes. And with that being said, i feel like we're teaching our youth to make unnecessary mistakes. Matter fact, we're teaching our youth that they will be praised for making unnecessary mistakes.

When did going to jail become a right of passage?

When did going to jail become cool?

When did going to jail become FUN?

...I mean, I know people that have gone to jail. I've dated guys that have been to jail. And all across the board I've been told jail is some place you dont want to visit for a few nights, much less stay for a lengthy sentence. So why is it that many choose to BRAG about how many times they've been arrested and in the judicial system? Its just something I cant comprehend. And until I can start to understand I cant offer a solution and that really bothers me.


ARG.
So...jail = not fun
but its looking like incarceration
is what's hot these days
WHAT'S GOING ON?!

ghost
CGK: [[BARBiie]]

Perfecting Imperfections

I don't like making mistakes
so i prefer to write in pencil
instead of pen because it can be erased.
But the reminants of words not spoken
are always left on the page.
So i rip them out
one by one
until i feel my conscious has been cleared
or the thoughts have been pushed
so far back i can pretend they are forgotten.
Until I'm forced to remember
by a slap from reality that jostles
the stones holding my transgressions in place.
Now free to roam
they haunt me.
Lingering above my head tugging my heart
to the pavement to be
trampled on by passersby.
With every step a part of me dies
a death brought on by the hands of my past
leaving a worn shell mangled in its path.
Ripped and torn
I lie in pain
cursing the day i ever decided to venture out into the world.
I should have known better
than to think I could forget it all
especially since these faults make me who i am
and i'm quite a fan of me
...probably a bit more than i should be
but if he gets a big ego, why not me?
I need something to fight this
over-whelming self-doubt
self-pity enhanced sense of self or whatever you choose to call it.
so as the battle between
vanity and apprehension ensues, i sit
watching, consuming, accepting
it all
the good and bad as well as the right and wrong
until there's nothing left.
Except a completely imperfect me.

yeah...yeah.....

So...
I'm gonna work on writing something atleast every other day...once a week in the least. It Sunday so this makes the beginning of the week! hm....lets see how long i keep this up. But since i've head a headache since yesterday i may need something to keep me from exploding and attacking an innocent bystander.

arg.
i need to de-stress
maybe i'll go back to sleep
hmmmmm

ghost
CGK: [[BARBiiE]]

where dreams come true?

i'm on vacation.
in orlando.
going to one of the disney parks tomorrow.
i havent been in 11 years.
animal kingdom is my favorite...yeah im a big kid.


im dreading the beginning of the new semester. comprehensive exams are going to make me curl into a ball and cry. hopefully the bf will be around to comfort me. if not, he sucks in advance. LOL!!!


teehehe
i suppose this vaction is going to be fun
who knows what tomorrow will bring
hopefully a few good photo opts
<3 snoopy
CGK: [[BARBiiE]]

pulled over at a "rest stop"

It's been so long I forgot about this blog.

And once I realized it still existed, I was considering deleting it. You know...get that nice, fresh start that everyone always wants when they feel they've messed up? Yeah. But then again, the so-called mistakes we've made in life shape who we are as people and are as important, if not more important than the good things we do in life. So they will stay here. Just as random and odd as I am...a nice reflection, I suppose.

So....what's going on with me? Nothing.

Am i excited about beginning my senior year in college? No.

Do i have ANY IDEA what i'm doing after i graduate? No.

Am i taking steps to shape my future in the work force? No.

Needless to say, i feel like a hopeless bum. I've been working so hard to get to a place in life and now that i'm right on the cusp of that destination i'm a little freaked out. Dont get me wrong, im still interested in completing the original plan, but now the question is whether or not the original path best suits me.

So i may take a year off after college.

I may not.

I'm not too sure of anything.

Well....i do know that i wanna go to sleep. I suppose i'll work to figure out everything else after i wake up.



So...........
my future is so bright
i cant see where i'm friggin goin.
...and i'm thinkin that's not good
AT ALL.
Oh, well.
NAP TIME!!! :)

ghost.
CGK: [[BARBiiE]]

Help me, PLEASE!

I've always been told that if you don't learn history, you're destined to repeat it.

History has been repeated for a long time. As my twin likes to say: it practically stutters. We continue to suffer the consequences of not learning our history but everyone still refuses to pick up a book. Many prefer to take the easy route and do as they are told or follow whatever example has been set before them. Although they have sometimes witnessed first-hand ill effects, they allow themselves to fall into the cycle. The cycle of being a monkey that watches what others do.

If all the people we cherish and look up to are ones that refuse to be like their peers, then why do so many accept the "norm" or what they have been trained to think. Why do so many choose to be a mirror?

I write this blog out of frustration of what I witness every time I choose to leave my house. There are hundreds of people wearing the same thing, doing the same thing, and acting the same way. What gives? Whatever happened to originality? Whatever happened to being willing to stand out for the sake of your own personal happiness? Is everyone just so afraid of the opinions of their peers that they'd rather be a clone? Someone PLEASE tell me what memo I didn't not receive; this is something I just don't understand.


I think I missed
the day when it was
decided that being like
everyone one else was
cool.
Or am I just so beyond
people have yet to catch up?
CGK: [[Barbie]]

Taming of the Beast

This is a series of poems I wrote that I've finally decided to feature them all at once. Enjoy!!


Part I:
You’re supposed to be the bad one
throwing girls away left and right
I’ve been told to stay away from you,
lucky if I even get half a night
of your attention
forget affection
because a relationship
is nowhere near the direction
you’re traveling
because your tunnel-vision
is tunneled in on my ass
and hers
and hers
and hers.
Allegedly, you’re deeply lodged in your mission-
giving midnight
pleasures and morning sorrow
living for the moment
always gone before the light of the morrow.
So if that’s how it is
and what I’ve been hearing true
what happened to my indefinite sorrow
I don’t feel cheap and used…
It’s been a month. According to your
track record we shouldn’t still be talking
right now I should be cursing your
existence, hoping you trip and fall
on a pointy rock, never to hurt me again
but I’m not. And I’m wondering why.
Am I the girl that’s gonna break the cycle?
Make the news exposing you as a guy
that actually has a heart?
Do I really want to take that chance?
Take a risk; make a leap into the unknown,
all for the sake of romance?
A romance that probably
only exists in my head
slowly seeping into my heart soon to take over…
This is what I think about in my bed
when I’m alone and you’re not
holding me,
your heartbeat against my back
whispering, “Please don’t fuck over me”.
But aren’t you the one that’s more
likely to do that?
You have me so confused. Debating with my
head and heart
trying to be smart
about the situation
but thoughts of you are slowly consuming me
no matter how high I keep my guard
you jump over it
probably because you’re so damn tall
and my guard can only go so high
so I guess that means its time to let it fall
take you in and give you a chance
cuz I’ve given chances to too many guys
that think they too fly
leaving me high and dry
and their “playa status” wasn’t
as half as yours, in the least.
So maybe it’s time for me
to tame the wild beast.
*whip sound*
Are you ready?




Part II:
Forget taming the wild beast
I think I’m just gonna hit you for the sake of it.
Because sadly you’re proving to be the way
I was told you are.
I guess I was smart in not giving you
A taste of the sweetness you desired that night.
But it doesn’t make me feel any better
Because I still feel played.
Although you don’t know it
And no one ever will
I was ready to give you my heart
All of it. No questions asked
But now you have me double-guessing
Double-thinking my steps.
Cuz sweet words are one thing but actions tell it all
And from you recent lack thereof
It’s really quiet in here.
And that silence is only fueling my anger.
So my guard is back up.
MUCH higher than before and maybe you’ll be able to jump it
Maybe not.




Part III:
Love is one of those games
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to win
Thought I could tame the beast within you,
But ended up wearing myself out.
And I’m tired of chasing you around this monopoly
Board, apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
So I believe its time for me to take off my gloves
And call it a day.
I don’t think I can take any more of your
Advanced tricks
Especially when I haven’t been taught
The rules of the game.
So for the first time in life,
I think I will forfeit. And accept my fate
As one without love.