A Roadblock in My Heart's Pen

Originally Posted: February 21, 2010

moving on…
man, that’s what im trying to do
or that’s what i tell myself
every time the tears begin to fall
but the salted sorrow
only tattoos my face
reminding me you’re someone i cant let go.
am i so focused on the
good (real and imagined)
that i keep trying to change the past
or atleast alter the future in “our” favor?
but if the force im working
to defeat is you,
why am i even pushing at all?

God Bless Us Everyone

Orignally Posted: February 14, 2010

It’s Valentine’s Day. Bahumbug.

Wait a minute, don’t jump to the conclusion that my ill disposition is due to the fact I am without a significant other on “lover’s day”…again. Or that I purchased a V day card before my unforseen break up and now dont know what to do with it. And worse yet, i must sit and watch in agony as all the extravagant displays of affection parade before my eyes (and my fb page. lol) …ok, maybe those things are true; however, they arent the source of my v day scrooge-ness. I just dont like the holiday.

Im not against love or being in love or expressing love, but i dont approve of it being concentrated and gift wrapped into one day. im not a feb 14 kinda lover. im a 24hr 365 kinda lover. i dont need a special day to tell someone i care. i do it and (more importantly,) SHOW IT every single day. Now whether or not it is returned, or even appreciated is another story… =/

So thanks but no thanks for the cards and candy. Today is just another sunday in the year, another feb 14 in the days of my life. However, today my homie turns 23…happy birthday Bennie! =)

Stupid Swiffer Commercial Singing my Song

Originally Posted: February 13, 2010

doesnt want to loose her place in line….if there is a line. There probably is a line. There’s never NOT a line. ugh. im feeling like its gonna get worse before it gets better and im not too sure if i can handle it. =/ …but you gotta do what you gotta do, i guess. hope im not standing in line for nothing.

So this is my fb status. of course its a metaphor for the random, yet constant suckiness that is my life. i hate how you give something your all and it fails to be good enough. and i hate how you work so hard to perfect what was already good in your eyes without prevail.

i hate being in love. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i never seem to get the love my grandparents have….you know the i-would-die-for-you type stuff or i-dont-mind-looking-at-you-w/o-makeup-early-in-the-morning kinda love or the you-burned-my-eggs-for-the-third-time-this-week-but-i-wont-say-anything kind of love. i always end up with the “I love you but im not in love with you” kinda love OR the all-time favorite “its not you its me” kinda love which im not sure is love at all. i understand that my grandparents have gone through a lot of crap together to get where they are…45 years of marriage and 4 kids is enough to guarantee eternal love. But at the same time i feel as if i can never get to the place to even BEGIN the trek towards ONE year (cuz im definitely not looking to have a kid anytime soon if at all).

My so-called loves end at 6 months. A 6 month mark where i think everything is going great but he has an issue with something….that of course, is not my fault but his. But if we’re in a relationship TOGETHER isnt the burden just as much yours as it is mine? Shouldnt your pain be my pain, your successes are my successes, your failure mine to share? This is how i was taught to love. 50% all the way no questions asked. You need $100 on a bill and only have $50, i got the other half. You havent eaten all day and all we have money for is ONE big mac…you know im splitting it down the middle. If you carry a load i expect you to expect me to carry it half way…because this is what i’ve watched my grandparents do all my life. This is the only LOVE i know.

So when i’m told that the problem only requires a one-person solution im thrown for a loop. I do understand that a man just has to do some things on his own sometimes (we girl have our private moments too) and i try soooo hard to respect that but its hard to tell when im giving the right kind support. And you can talk about it all day with your significant somebody but there always seems to be some disconnect after the conversation ends.

And no matter how many conversations are had, I always get a feeling of dread that im going to be left alone again (and history has only confirmed my fears). But i cant shake you. Believe me, i’ve tried. …still trying. it’s NOT working. Because i know there’s always someone else around interested. there’s always someone waiting in line right behind me. …more than one somebody. …A LOT of somebodies. ugh.

I cant expect anyone to know what’s going to happen later in line or in life but i do wish i knew where i stand in line. Am i still number 1? Is someone else gaining on me? You may not think about it but i do. I think about it all the time. Because i dont want to wake up and be thrown to the side like last time…and the time before that…and the time before that. If i’m being replaced…i just wanna know, you know? Is that too much to ask?

ugh. man…i hate being in love.

Randomness of the day

So, I'm thinking about getting my nose pierced...today.

Yeah...that was random but I've been thinking about it since like 1995 when I saw Tupac for the first time (yep...that long). AND for Halloween I'm dressing in Indian garb (a very prettiful yellow Sari) and the costume would be complete with a nose ring. And lucky for me my job is super cool and my supervisors don't care about my appearance, just as long as the experiments get done in a timely manner. So yeah...today might be the day. Gonna text the bf and see what he thinks. lol

Later Gators!
[[GENiiUS]]

Disorganized Academia

Originally posted: February 9, 2010

Well then.

I have no real understanding of the collegiate educational system as it stands. I will soon be graduating with a bachelors in science and i’ve realized that i haven’t actually learned anything. I mean, i have learned a lot in the past 4 years, a nice range, even; however, when i enter medical school i fell like the slate will be 100% clean and i will be starting from scratch…again.

I suppose if i were to attend a cocktail party, i could successfully entertain one interested in Plato’s cave allegory; however, this would not be relevant to me saving someone’s life in the operating room.

I understand there is some innate, unrelenting desire by the educational system to make sure the students they produce are well-rounded and knowledgeable in all aspects of academia; but why draw the line so far down in the library stacks? A class or two encompassing art history or philosophy for one that is majoring in a different field should suffice. But sadly, I have spent about 2 of my 4 college years learning things that will most likely fail to reemerge as anything other than random trivia. So instead of me acquiring this bachelors and then proceeding off to earn a MD, I probably would have been better off leaving high school and going straight to study medicine.

But what’s the use of complaining now? I do only have less than 3 months until I stroll across the graduation stage. …ugh.

updates

So....it's been a loooooong time. yes, it has. But since I will soon be nursing a sick puppy I'm going to take this time to load all the random postings i've done in the past year or so.

.....maybe once Roxi is better I'll do some new stuff.

crawling through the window...

So im embarking on this new adventure in life.
I'm not too sure what to make of it but I am excited....its the nervous excitment tho. I guess I'm anxious to prove myself to be as strong as I believe I am. Not to say I'm invincible, but I do have pretty big expectations of myself. Now its time for me to put my money where my mouth is. Wish me luck!

CGK: [[BARBiiE]]